Letter From Santa
2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with “VD” from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.
REFFO FRANCESCO VI AUGURA UN FELICE NATALE – 2002
|Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid
10. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)
Q: What did Santa say to the 3 blondes?
A: Ho, ho, ho!
Question: What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Question: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
ANGEL ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems every where… four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule….then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit…
this stressed Santa even more…when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where…more stress.
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys…so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey…but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink…and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor… he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree…
TWAS THE INTERNET NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
“Now Compaq! Now Acer!”, my speaker did reel;
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my “Ram”,
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
He defragged my hard drive, and added a “Dimm”,
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says “Have you been good?”
Little Girl, “Yes, Santa, very good.”
Santa, “What would you like for Christmas?”
Little Girl, “I want Barbie and G. I. Joe.”
Santa, “G. I. Joe? Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?
Little Girl, “No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe.”
BARBIE’S LETTER TO SANTA:
Okay Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society,
KEN’S LETTER TO SANTA:
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbir DOES NOT
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
|Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I’ve got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they’d postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts…groping their way through the smog singing: “It came upon a midnight clear.”
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd’s outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father’s Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
I know. I know. I know that people say “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift”, but couldn’t people think a little biger!
Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say “Ho! Ho! Ho!
Father to three-year old: “No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna.
Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.
Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.
WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS – OLD SANTA WAS PISSED
T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
TOP TEN SANTA’S PICK-UP LINES
10. “I’ll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly.”
THE REAL 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1994 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1994 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1994 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1994 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1994 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1994 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 20, 1994 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 21, 1994 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 22, 1994 Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 23, 1994 You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it. ----------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 24, 1994 Listen! Fuckhead, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes ----------------- Law Offices Badger, Bender and Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1994 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole
WHAT TO GIVE AN OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
I WAS MUSING ON SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS AND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS. CONSIDER:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”
5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
MICROSOFT AQUIRES CHRISTMAS
NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked “Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office 97.”
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, “The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, “our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 97. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that “Windows97 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas as early as November first.”
Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. “But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. “With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.”
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that “Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are availble for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was “sizeable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.” Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ’round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
|WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
1. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
SANTA’s BEST PICK UP LINES
I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk, sister!
Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my best toys run on batteries… wink wink
I see you when you’re sleeping – and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?
Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!
Wanna join the “Mile High” club?
That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…”
Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”
Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
Because he heard the snow blower comming.
Christmas morning a boy rides down the road on his brand new bike when a cop on a horse rides up beside him and says “Did Santa bring you that bike?”
FR – rated X ~:: 04-mag-2006 ::~ Francesco Reffo™ – :: W3.Reffo.IT ©:: [home] ©2003