Mansion Vintage

Merry X’mas Special!!!

Letter From Santa

2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with “VD” from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.

Letter From Santa

2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada

H0H 0H0

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with “VD” from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.



Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid

10. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are,
“Touch my beard and I’ll put the hurt on you.”
2. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”
1. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”

(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)

Q: What did Santa say to the 3 blondes?

A: Ho, ho, ho!

Question: What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said “I could not work out what size her nose was!


Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems every where… four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule….then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit…

this stressed Santa even more…when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where…more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys…so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey…but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink…and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor… he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree…


‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker’s a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it’s a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn’t quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

“Now Compaq! Now Acer!”, my speaker did reel;
“On Apple! On Gateway!” Santa started to squeal!
“Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!”

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my “Ram”,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin’ to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain’t the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a “Dimm”,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai’s Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
“Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!”

A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says “Have you been good?”

Little Girl, “Yes, Santa, very good.”

Santa, “What would you like for Christmas?”

Little Girl, “I want Barbie and G. I. Joe.”

Santa, “G. I. Joe? Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?

Little Girl, “No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe.”


Dear Santa-
Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea
parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be
around to smell it!) So, here’s my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like
to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear
to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL man….maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over
that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with the earring
anyway? If I’m going to have to suffer with him, for christ’s sakes,
make us anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to
twist, just do it!!
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it.
How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
account exec!!
8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe a “PMS Barbie”, complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted
with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or “Stop
Smoking Barbie”, sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several
packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,


Dear Santa-
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would
like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbir DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I
personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered
:”Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon Ken”, or “Out of Work Actor Ken”? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such
as:”S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master
Ken”. These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open
new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can”push me
away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we’ve
talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he’s mine, at least that is what
he said last night.



As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track – all straight!

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I’ve got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they’d postpone Christmas.

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts…groping their way through the smog singing: “It came upon a midnight clear.”

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd’s outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father’s Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. I know that people say “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift”, but couldn’t people think a little biger!

Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say “Ho! Ho! Ho!

Father to three-year old: “No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna.

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.


(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)


T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little sh*ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year… now you know the reason
I found me a blonde… I’m going SOUTH for the season!!


10. “I’ll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly.”
9. “I put the ‘scroo’ in ‘scrooge’!”
8. “I’ve got something you can hang a wreath on.”
7. “One hour with me honey and you’ll see flyin’ reindeer.”
6. “Buy you a Zima?”
5. “That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I’m glad to see you.”
4. “Uh-yeah, that’s right. I’m Kenny Rogers.”
3. “I got your stocking stuffer right here, Baby!”
2. “Giddy-up over here and say ‘Howdy’ to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!”
1. “I’ve got an elf in my pants!”


                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 14, 1994

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.

                              With deepest love and devotion,



                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 15, 1994

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine
two turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift.  They are just adorable.

                              All my love,



                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 16, 1994

Dearest John:

Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must
protest.  I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too




                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 17, 1994

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.
You're being too romantic.




                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 18, 1994

Dearest John:

What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings;
one for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on
my nerves.

                              All my love,



                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 19, 1994

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying
on my front steps.  So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the

Please stop.




                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 20, 1994


What's with you and those fucking birds?  7 swans a-swimming.
What kind of God damned joke is this?  There's bird shit all
over the house, and they never stop with the racket.  I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny.  So
stop with those fucking birds.




                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 21, 1994

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds
and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned
cows.  There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my
own house.  Just lay off me, smart ass.



                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 22, 1994

Hey!  Shithead,

What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9 pipers
playing.  And Christ do they play.  They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

                              You'll get yours,



                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 23, 1994

You Rotten Prick,

Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all night
long.  Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned.

I'm sicking the police on you.

                              One who means it.


                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 24, 1994

Listen!  Fuckhead,

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead.  They've been trampled
to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied, you rotten,
vicious swine.

                              Your sworn enemy,



                              Law Offices
                              Badger, Bender and Cahole
                              303 Knave Street
                              Chicago, Illinois

                              December 25, 1994

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein.  The destruction, of course, was
total.  All correspondence should come to our attention.  If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight.  With this letter please find attached warrant for you


                              Badger, Bender and Cahole



A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”


1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

by Robert Reiser

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked “Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office 97.”

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, “The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, “our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 97. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that “Windows97 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[97] as early as November first.”

Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. “But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. “With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.”

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that “Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are availble for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was “sizeable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.” Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ’round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS! (POLITICALLY CORRECT!) ‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck.
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your poor brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue.
Everyone, everywhere-even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth.
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some pussy, fuck reading that book.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
“Whoa Sh*thead, whoa A$$hole, hey Dickface, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.”
“Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard something splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I put on my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all covered with dip spit galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
“I’m all fuckin’ shit-canned ,” he said with a smile,
“And Rudolf had gas the last half-a mile.”
He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, as my wife turned around.
Santa was hung half way to the ground.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a manual on how to pop zits.
A dime bag of reefer was Santa’s next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A boarding school pisser, a penis extension,
And several other things that I can’t even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a bong that was wrapped with aluminium foil.
“This stuff’s not for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh*t,
So I’ll leave it all here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife’s cleave.
And tucked my son’s crack pipe up under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Made it out of the chimney, on my roof smacked his head.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home, Rudolph, the night’s been a b@tch!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about college is the beer won’t run out!”

Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
“Some Assembly Required.”
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat
– let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
“Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with “assembly required” till morning’s first light
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefull went, though I suppose
there’s something to say for those self-deluded-
I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!


I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Or a socket set from Sears.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
– Men can’t pack a bag.
– Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
– Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
– Men don’t answer their mail.
– Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
– Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
– Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
– Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men…
— Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
— Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
— Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They’d been worn all week and needed the air.

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies; the elves were complaining about not being paid overtime for making the toys; the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk, they had taken the sleigh for a spin earlier and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, all my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn’t back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He said, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

The Night Santa Went Crazy.
By “Weird Al” Yankovic

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin’ toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared ’em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath

From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
“Merry Christmas to all- now you’re all gonna DIE!”

The night Santa when crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he’d been getting’ a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you’ll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, “It tastes just like chicken!”

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can’t hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin’ in reindeer guts

There’s the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There’s a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin’ ’round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin’, the body count’s risin’ and everyone’s dyin’
to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa’s doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don’t you cry no more tears
He’ll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen’s in therapy and Donner’s still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus, she’s on the phone every night
With er lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They’re talking’ bout – the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting’ gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he’d been gettin’ a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something must have snapped… in his brain


1 – If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2 – If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

3 – When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.

4 – Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

5 – Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6 – Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7 – If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.

8 – If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9 – Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

10 – STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.


1. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.


1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date.
9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk, sister!

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk, sister!

Some of my best toys run on batteries… wink wink

I see you when you’re sleeping – and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?

Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!

Wanna join the “Mile High” club?

That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!


A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…”

Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”

Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….”

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he heard the snow blower comming.

Christmas morning a boy rides down the road on his brand new bike when a cop on a horse rides up beside him and says “Did Santa bring you that bike?”
“yea” the boy replies.
“Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to give you a helmet for that bike” and proceeds to write that boy up a 20 dollar ticket.
As the boy rides away on his bike he turns around and says to the police man “Did Santa bring you that horse?”
humoring the boy he says “sure”
“Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse a instead of on top!”

FONTE – From:

FR – rated X ~:: 04-mag-2006 ::~  Francesco Reffo™ – :: W3.Reffo.IT ©:: [home] ©2003

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